I want to take a moment to say Happy Mother’s Day to those of us in a very special group: the childless mothers. This is often a difficult day for those of us unable to conceive, who have lost children, given up children or have not yet been blessed with a child. Take heart and celebrate for it is spirit and desire that makes a mother, not the physical presence of children. I hear you, childless mothers, and I see you. Celebrate love and the blessings of the Universe, for your Mother’s Day is already here.
I had started this week’s Grateful Five list, but as I went to finalize it, I realized that this week has been such a trial, such an incongruous mess of emotions and upendings that I was grasping to be grateful at all. And then today happened. A day where I ran and yoga-ed and wrote. I etched out the details of my future, and dared to contemplate a new life and a new me. Often, we get so bogged down with all the day-to-day crap that gratitude becomes difficult. Gratitude becomes a thing you search for, that you create, that you sketch out at the end of the week. Gratitude ceases to be a thing you are, do and live.
And so today, instead of creating, I acknowledge the space where gratitude should be, I acknowledge the week I’ve had, the person I’ve been and the growth that is being asked of me. And ironically, I now have all the space in the world for that thing I call gratitude.
What are you grateful for today?
I’m very late with last week’s Grateful Five, but I’m still grateful so I’m posting anyway!
1. The mountains of Tucson
One if the things I miss most when I’m not in Tucson is the abundance of mountain range surrounding me. There’s something truly majestic about being surrounded by nature’s dirt castles.
2. Solo yoga practice
I’ve been embracing my solo practice more these days. Playing, aligning, sweating. I feel like finally I’ve gotten to a place where I can be diligent about it… even if I’m alone.
3. The delete button
It’s a beautiful thing. Use it wisely.
4. Yoga for sobriety
I wrote a little about it over at The Ginger Baby Reviews, but it was a beautiful experience. Knowing I can go and enrich my spirit when I really just want to run away from what hurts. It’s tough. And humbling. And empowering.
5. Mommy time
I got to see my mother this weekend who I missed terribly. It’s incredible to remember gratitude for her presence in my life.
Smiling this morning. Smiling big and wide and grateful for beautiful spirits in my life who make me laugh, who forgive me when I’m rotten and who have continued as loving presences in my life. Someone once asked me how I stay so open to love. It is because love is always opening to me. Happy Sunday, Happy Another Beautiful Day, Happy Tell Someone You Love Them Day! ∞
Unfortunate Conflict of Interest
I keep trying to find a way to erase the line between you and I.
you are, it would seem, the irregularity, a syncopation in my heartbeat.
regrettably, the wiring of my blood and my desires began with you.
The day of my conception, September 1979,
led me to hollow out on this day, this present, this you.
Everything and everyone always leads me back to you.
an elevated honor for someone with such maladaptive wings.
You soar above me and beyond, always just out of reach.
perching on the periphery of every love that’s ever broken me.
we are connected, through blood, bone, time and space.
I stroke my lovers face and am reminded of your absence.
Would that you’d fly towards the sun and burst into flame.
***Quick piece from April 4th. I used the prompt from Napowrimo for this poem: http://www.napowrimo.net/2013/04/day-four/
Needs lots of work, but it happened! Another day down.
I get it. After you get dumped, people don’t look at you the same. All of a sudden, they see your sad, weepy, drunken face and they want to feel sorry for you. I’m guilty of doing it to people too. Sometimes, all that’s needed is a hug or a hot cooked meal or a loving friend to remove the bottle of Jamison from your cold, clammy hands. Sometimes what you get instead are well-intentioned (well, sometimes well intentioned) directives and statements that make you want to kill somebody.
Do the people of just-dumped planet a favor: don’t say any of these things! I mean, wasn’t the first jerk bad enough?
1. You’re better off without them
I know that! How is that remotely helpful to me now, though? Are your words going to magically dry up these tears? Will they help me find a new place to live or figure out how to live in this city where I will hopefully not run into them everywhere? Of course, I’m better off without them because I am better than them, but seriously, not helpful, dude.
2. You’ll find someone new in no time.
Hmm, yes, someone who’s interested in a baggage-carrying, emotional, sex-deprived mess who just broke up with their partner. Bet this person will be the new love of my life. Grand. I’m staying at home. I’ll see you guys in six months.
3. I knew they were cheating on you. Last year, I saw/heard…
Well, now’s a fine time to tell me. Jerk.
4. You guys weren’t even together that long.
So? It still hurts. Who are you, the time fairy? Suddenly you can put a time limit on pain? Two months, two decades, who are you to judge how long is long enough for tears? Go away.
5. Good thing you didn’t get pregnant, huh.
Yeah, good thing. ~evil eye~
6. Did you know so and so’s already seeing ____?
Well, good for them! She can put up with his passive-aggressive, narcissistic, lying, self-absorbed, mama’s boy madness! See if I care! Wait, is she cuter than me?
7. I saw them the other day. They look great!
Fuck you. No, seriously, FUCK YOU! They do not look great! Ever again. They’re pimply, emaciated (or overly plump, your choice), and their fashion sense has reverted to its pre-me atrociousness. Get it together, friend, or I may have to remove you from my inner circle.
The hope is that eventually the person who got dumped will have healed enough be able to say all of the seven things him or herself (without the bitter, angry, imaginary commentary I’ve added. Of course, I’ve never once thought or said any of these things after a breakup!). They will realize that the breakup was in the best interest of everyone involved. Until then, let sleeping dogs lie, why don’t you?
Else, well-intentioned friends might get hung up on or left at the neighborhood pub. Just some friendly monkey-brained advice, people. Take it or leave it.
Untitled: I Collect Things
I collect things. broken humans, conch shells,
lullabies that no one has ever sang, and I
stack them, around my heart, underneath my ribcage
stuff them into the crevices until there is silence
Listen now, I must tell you how I feel.
Leave it to me to expose your broken edges.
you will stand near me unaware and
become the landing of a hail storm. It’s just what I do.
I am in this business – sanding, rounding you out
you must dull the knife before it sinks too deep.
I make no apologies to you. Except that is a lie.
I know no other way to elicit trust than to prostrate
myself over your ineptitude. Cover you up with
my incessant regrets until you are sainted and pure,
support every growl with the grace of my whimper.
Untitled: The Creep
my toes are used to creeping
inching along the narrow confines of yesterday
I wish to reconfigure them
crack open phalanges and realign
stack bone and tarsal and flesh
until they form a sturdy tourniquet for my brokenness
still I must not abandon the creep
the creep keeps me focused
the creep keeps me moving forward
the creep keeps me below the line of fire
I know I’m a touch late, but I just wanted to end March with a huge thank you to all who read my blogs, Ginger Baby Reviews and The Monkey in My Brain. Many of you have been diligent about subscribing, stopping by and liking my posts.
I have been working hard to create blog spaces that feel authentic, that share pieces of me while at the same time, reaching out to others. I hope that you all continue to stop by, and feel free to drop me a line anytime with opinions, suggestions or just to say hello!
I’m really grateful for all of you, and I look forward to getting know you through the blogosphere.
Almost Fire Haiku
This pain in my chest
inhale and exhale flames, then
no more fire worship
*I know I took liberties with that last line. Fire. Damn fire.