I get it. After you get dumped, people don’t look at you the same. All of a sudden, they see your sad, weepy, drunken face and they want to feel sorry for you. I’m guilty of doing it to people too. Sometimes, all that’s needed is a hug or a hot cooked meal or a loving friend to remove the bottle of Jamison from your cold, clammy hands. Sometimes what you get instead are well-intentioned (well, sometimes well intentioned) directives and statements that make you want to kill somebody.
Do the people of just-dumped planet a favor: don’t say any of these things! I mean, wasn’t the first jerk bad enough?
1. You’re better off without them
I know that! How is that remotely helpful to me now, though? Are your words going to magically dry up these tears? Will they help me find a new place to live or figure out how to live in this city where I will hopefully not run into them everywhere? Of course, I’m better off without them because I am better than them, but seriously, not helpful, dude.
2. You’ll find someone new in no time.
Hmm, yes, someone who’s interested in a baggage-carrying, emotional, sex-deprived mess who just broke up with their partner. Bet this person will be the new love of my life. Grand. I’m staying at home. I’ll see you guys in six months.
3. I knew they were cheating on you. Last year, I saw/heard…
Well, now’s a fine time to tell me. Jerk.
4. You guys weren’t even together that long.
So? It still hurts. Who are you, the time fairy? Suddenly you can put a time limit on pain? Two months, two decades, who are you to judge how long is long enough for tears? Go away.
5. Good thing you didn’t get pregnant, huh.
Yeah, good thing. ~evil eye~
6. Did you know so and so’s already seeing ____?
Well, good for them! She can put up with his passive-aggressive, narcissistic, lying, self-absorbed, mama’s boy madness! See if I care! Wait, is she cuter than me?
7. I saw them the other day. They look great!
Fuck you. No, seriously, FUCK YOU! They do not look great! Ever again. They’re pimply, emaciated (or overly plump, your choice), and their fashion sense has reverted to its pre-me atrociousness. Get it together, friend, or I may have to remove you from my inner circle.
The hope is that eventually the person who got dumped will have healed enough be able to say all of the seven things him or herself (without the bitter, angry, imaginary commentary I’ve added. Of course, I’ve never once thought or said any of these things after a breakup!). They will realize that the breakup was in the best interest of everyone involved. Until then, let sleeping dogs lie, why don’t you?
Else, well-intentioned friends might get hung up on or left at the neighborhood pub. Just some friendly monkey-brained advice, people. Take it or leave it.