I think I have just about arrived at my breaking point. I am absolutamente fed up with the superiority complex that greets me just about every day I am in this beautiful, beautiful country in which I have resided the last 9 months or so.
But I’ve had it. I’m done.
I don’t think I wanted to admit it before, I don’t even think I recognized it consciously, but I left the United States running. I was tired of being treated like a nigger. I was tired of feeling like I didn’t belong in the country in which I was born and raised. Tired of being treated like I hadn’t neither a brain nor a “pot to piss in” as my grandma would say, many times by people who didn’t possess either themselves, but were nonetheless born in the “superior” shade.
And now, I am realizing what a naïve, sad little person I have been. Yes, I managed to escape the many problems of the US. I don’t come home crying in anger most days because of the people who feel they can treat me any old way they like. But I still come home angry – a lot.
Spain isn’t any better than the United States just completely and utterly different.
I envy those people who can walk down the street and get yelled at, get ignored, get pushed and shoved, get called names and whistled at and turn and say, “oh, isn’t it such a pretty day outside today? Let’s love the world and get screwed over together in peace!”
Don’t laugh. I know people like that, but I’m not one of them. I’ve never possessed that gene or gift or curse that allows everything to just roll off my back. Many times, I have wrongly wished I were. It must be a hell of a trip to see everything through a lense of positivity. I have had friends and exes like that. When I think about it, though, I’m pretty sure I would never want to be like that. But at times, I do entertain the thought that ignorance truly is bliss.
Anyway, I am glad the realization has dawned on me that the states are messed up little patches of land, but they’re still collectively my home. I don’t believe I was even consciously aware that I had raised the rest of the world up on this pedestal. I was too busy combating Tucsonan/American idiocy. Now I can go back and look at those idiots and realize they aren’t unique. They are like the other idiots of the world. And none of them are worth the energy they steal from me.
At the very least, maybe I can use this enlightenment to find a middle ground between letting people walk all over me and wanting to kill the whole world. (I was told Friday that I use the word “kill” a lot. I will make sure to talk to my therapist about that.)
On a more positive note, I was walking home, flipping through my music because nothing was lightening the load I was carrying around in my heart, when I passed by the elementary school that is near my house. The little ones were outside in their blue warm-ups doing basketball drills.
Now imagine this. 20-25 little blue and white warmup suits, the silky ones, not the ones that make all that noise, bouncing basketballs in well-formed lines all around the court. It was so cute. So I tried to keep walking so I wouldn’t appear perverted or something but then I noticed three other women and a man watching so I stopped and looked.
One little bit in particular caught my eye. She hardly moved from her line; she was working that ball. She had her hair pulled back in a neat ponytail, and she looked just soo WNBA-ish, even at 5-years-old. Well, I was so impressed with her ball handling skills. I stood there watching her, when all of a sudden, she threw her little 2 foot leg in the air and dribbled the ball under it. I hooted!!
Then she did it again. It has been the highlight of an otherwise very trying morning. But it is with that image planted in my head that I will finish out this day, and when this smile starts to be tarnished by stupidity, I will think of that little leg flying up in the air.
I think that should do the trick.