The quality of desire – #6

I almost succeeded in freaking myself out so much that I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I don’t know what my problem was, maybe I was so freaked out by my nightmare the night before that I was walking around seeing things in all corners, waiting for the man in the corner to jump out and kill me, at one point, I even saw a woman hanging from the clothes line in the middle of the loft. Several times I fought the urge to run.

I had to finally just stop in the middle of the room and tell myself to cut it out.

Didn’t exactly work, so then I came downstairs and retrieved the stones I’d bought during my trip to the grocery store in Capilera the day before. I have one for optimism and one for creativity. These are loose labels of course, but they’ll suffice for the purposes of this writing. I put one on one side of the bed, the other on the other side of the bed, and I read, and concentrated on my breathing and played solitaire until I wasn’t thinking about killers or dying or dead people or any of that.

Hard to believe, but once I feel asleep, I slept rather well. I woke up bright and early this morning a half hour before my alarm. I’m so weird.

The other thing is last night, I finished my novel.

Okay, so that’s a MAJOR overstatement, hehe, but I did manage to fix the timeline issues, the character issues, and now I have a complete chapter outline, scenes are where they should be and not just where my crazy fingers put the, and I only cut about four scenes give or take, and added about the same number.

So now, the writing begins.

I bought this book that was recommended to me called the Inner Game of Music. Apparently, there’s a series of the books. It started with tennis or some crap, and has moved on from there. Most of the book is geared towards professional musicians, and so much of it doesn’t apply to my errant music making, but I have found that most of it applies directly to my writing.
One of the passages that really stood out to me Wednesday night was this one:
“…the quality of desire determines the quality of our concentration. When we have clear goals and are focused on them, our concentration can be sustained.”
Being me, the first thing I thought was “Oh no, I can’t concentrate on my novel, so that means my desire isn’t sufficient,” but then I told that me to shut because she’s always talking foolishness, and I took the other approach. Maybe I’m not getting anything done because there’s too much to do and every time I sit down, I don’t have any idea what I want to accomplish for that day.
So yesterday, I made goals, although not explicit or written out.
For my music, I was going to learn Sia’s Breathe Me and practice the other songs, which I did. I am trying to figure out why my strumming sounds so bad when I add the chords, but that’s an unrelated matter.
Also, I decided I wanted to figure out the novel. That’s all I wanted to do. I wasn’t going to worry about writing or even “getting anything done”. And in taking that pressure off of myself for the night, I worked seven hours straight, and I accomplished more than I probably have since I’ve been here.
Go figure.
Today, my goals are to finish my Monique Wittig Scholarship application, work on my hard copy line edits, and for guitar, well, Breathe Me and Push and Pull are at the top of my list.
So yay! What a great way to end the week. It’s almost 10 o’clock. I’m fed and getting coffee’d. I’m ready.
Happy Friday.
And by the way, my buddy came back today! And he brought me food.

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