So I’ve developed a nervous tick in my left eye, a slight jumping notion that comes and goes sporadically, leaving me to walk around with one lonesome index finger planted over an overactive eyeball.
It’s quite frankly embarrassing.
I remember when I first took notice of its frequency. I was in the airport on my way to Francia talking to one of the other players, attempting to ignore the jumping eyeball, when all of a sudden she says, “EWWW Monique, what’s wrong with your eye?” And then I start gushing a whining concern for this thing that has happened to my eye. Because of course I knew it was jumping. And ofcourse I was going to pretend like I didn’t or as long as I could get away with it.
Another friend of mine says it’s a nervous reaction brought on by stress. What in the hell do I have to be stressed about?
Is it because I have become so overwhelmed by this whole graduate school business that I have shut down completely? That sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about how many ways I will fail? How many project ideas will be rejected? How many deadlines will pass and I still will have neither a summer program nor a summer project nor even a completed application? And that’s on a good day. On a bad day, I’m thinking about how I am beginning to doubt every ability, every intelligent thought, every inkling of grad school potential I once was so proud to have been told I have? Could it be that stress?
Or could it be this new stress that I’ve undertaken on sending out my fiction and poetry? Dusting the bunnies off my poems and stories and actually DOING something more with them? Could it be the red highlights all over the spreadsheet I’ve created with impending due dates that I have to meet without any clue how I will do it overseas? Could it be the novel I have finished and unwittingly neglected?
Or could it be that school was quickly approaching and now it is here and I don’t wannnnnnnnaaaaaa?
Nervous tick, my eye. Well, actually, that’s exactly it. My eye. My eye is trying to relay something to me that my body has not yet been able to impart. I’ve been tired, sleeping 10 hours a day, sometimes more. Sometimes I forget to eat. I have no motivation ni energy for the things I used to love. Sounds like a walking depression commercial, but I don’t feel depressed. But there’s this thing with my eye. It’s telling me that something’s going on. It’s just that I don’t understand. I never learned morse code.